NOTE: This work has been co-authored with a friend hence credit will duly be shared. :D
Also, the narrator/protagonist of the story is a man .. just so you keep it in mind while reading it.
I happened to be at a mall last weekend trying to figure out what to buy for my fiancée Ruma. This had to be a fantastic present for she was really special .. meant the world to me. And it would be our third anniversary tomorrow .. 23rd of December '06.
So I was at this giant of a mall .. trying to pick something for someone who has a keen eye for things! Makes one tense and panicky, doesn't it? For the first time I was going decide upon buying her something to wear on our special day.
So there I was, trying to decide, swimming through the kaleidoscopic whirlpool of evening wear. I took a break and looked around at the sea blue and bottle green shades of the interiors of the shop and just as I was about to dive right in, my tired eyes met those bewildered ones as though crying out loud "Gods must be crazy to send this man hunting for a dress!"
She glided towards me .. smoothly. There was an indistinguishable aura around her. “What seems to be the problem? I feel you could do with some advice.”, she spoke in a mellifluous voice. Perplexed as I was I welcomed the proposal and vomited out the words in a fluster, trying to describe the situation. She merely nodded her head, a smile spread over her flawlessly chiseled visage. Her sharp eyes turned towards the myriad that lay before us, her perfectly manicured fingers maneuvering through it all. And her hand stopped at a little black number, lying discreetly amongst the vibrancy. With anticipation she looked at me for approval. Her eyes gleamed, blinding the shimmer of the swarovski work on the dress. I gave her a naive nod while wondering how she would look in it. I cleared the bills at the cash counter and offered to take her to lunch .. the least I could do to repay her. She refused politely .. her eyes never leaving mine. I persuaded her enough to settle for a hot cup of cappuccino.
And so we moved to one of those lesser known exclusive cafes where the ambience is just right for a nice warm private conversation. We placed the order, waiting for the coffee to arrive. She lit a smoke .. I liked that. There she was .. suave .. smooth .. sure.
The coffee arrived but soon turned cold since we were engrossed .. talking incessantly. We talked about her, me, and the whole goddamn world we had to be a part of. Time flew by and before we knew it, the cafe manager came up to us with a closing time notice. Hence, we finally plunged into the wilderness of the world once again.
The biting cold winds, after the warmth of the café, reminded us of the chilly winter that the world was blessed with at that time of the year. We quickly got into the car and just as I was about to put the key into the ignition she turned to me and said "Why don't you let me take the wheel. I really feel like letting my hair down tonight." So there I was, sitting besides her and watching this gorgeous lady take it out on the wide winding empty roads ..
She was a masterful driver .. the sudden rush of blood to the head .. the ultimate thrill that speed induces .. all amounting to my growing affection towards the lady beside me.
But it came to pass, as we neared her place.
And there it stood, her house .. nothing fancy on the outside .. lying in the solitude that sometimes shone in her own eyes.
She parked right outside the main gate and we got out ... still recovering from the after-effects of the speed ... still laughing and giggling from a joke that lingered on in our heads.
So here was the awkward moment of parting...
We both fell silent for a moment and I realized that we hadn't even introduced ourselves as yet.. So to fill that embarrassing void I introduced myself and learned her name .. Rahel .. it was Rahel .. as charismatic as her.
Anyways .. we just stood there looking .. into each other's eyes. Deep within lay a mutual understanding and appreciation for each other. We had just known each other for just a few hours and had hit it off surprisingly, totally, mind-fucking-bogglingly well!!
Something told me that we'd been looking intently at each others for quite a while now .. I suddenly snapped out of it and, shy as I was, started with a goodbye. She put her hand on my lips and before I knew it .. I was being led toward her doorstep. She opened the door and lo .. there was the most dazzling house I'd ever set foot in, all white, silver and glass .. so pure and chaste .. just like her.
I loved it, her even more so... she lead me up the stairs to one of the bedrooms and put on the lights .. dimmed and some music .. Iris ..
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Coz I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
And all I could taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
Cause sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
The lissome beauty stood there, her long black hair now open and her curves perfect. I found myself moving towards her in spite of my shyness .. gradually pulling her towards me. She didn't make any attempts to break free. We stood there .. caressing .. the fires within risen .. forgetting what was around us .. losing ourselves to each other .. slowly, passionately, completely.
What came to pass during that night and between those white sheets of silk is all a haze now ... wild yet gentle. What I clearly remember is of waking up with a start .. finding myself in some one else's bed .. my chronograph showing 7am .. Especially THAT morning made me feel weird .. leaving me with a vague feeling of uneasiness.
Then all the things came rushing back to me .. the beautiful girl .. the quiet evening .. the lonely lanes of the late night city and the climax .. all this overpowered with the horrid feeling of the sin I had committed ON MY ANNIVERSARY!!! I didn't know how I would face Ruma's eyes when she would learn of the betrayal. I decided I would be honest with her. After all, I was her criminal and she had every right to take any stand.
Buried in shame I started on my way out of the burning inferno that housed me.
The place was not quite the same .. the pureness missing, everything somewhat dulled .. infact quite downtrodden .. as if in a state of disuse .. the silk sheets were gone and so was she!!
Things white and silver were now yellow and rusty .. I couldn’t figure what in the hell's name happened to the place .. all in a night!
Rahel was no where to be seen .. and I was now starting to worry despite the humiliation drowning me. I started to look for the smoothness of her curves, that beautiful smile (flashing in front of me now and then), those capturing eyes I had bared my soul to.
I decided to look outside, making my way amongst the clutter and the cobwebs towards the door. I opened it in the hope of finding her standing outside and right in the middle of the ground lay a stone that read:
I passed out.
Also, the narrator/protagonist of the story is a man .. just so you keep it in mind while reading it.
I happened to be at a mall last weekend trying to figure out what to buy for my fiancée Ruma. This had to be a fantastic present for she was really special .. meant the world to me. And it would be our third anniversary tomorrow .. 23rd of December '06.
So I was at this giant of a mall .. trying to pick something for someone who has a keen eye for things! Makes one tense and panicky, doesn't it? For the first time I was going decide upon buying her something to wear on our special day.
So there I was, trying to decide, swimming through the kaleidoscopic whirlpool of evening wear. I took a break and looked around at the sea blue and bottle green shades of the interiors of the shop and just as I was about to dive right in, my tired eyes met those bewildered ones as though crying out loud "Gods must be crazy to send this man hunting for a dress!"
She glided towards me .. smoothly. There was an indistinguishable aura around her. “What seems to be the problem? I feel you could do with some advice.”, she spoke in a mellifluous voice. Perplexed as I was I welcomed the proposal and vomited out the words in a fluster, trying to describe the situation. She merely nodded her head, a smile spread over her flawlessly chiseled visage. Her sharp eyes turned towards the myriad that lay before us, her perfectly manicured fingers maneuvering through it all. And her hand stopped at a little black number, lying discreetly amongst the vibrancy. With anticipation she looked at me for approval. Her eyes gleamed, blinding the shimmer of the swarovski work on the dress. I gave her a naive nod while wondering how she would look in it. I cleared the bills at the cash counter and offered to take her to lunch .. the least I could do to repay her. She refused politely .. her eyes never leaving mine. I persuaded her enough to settle for a hot cup of cappuccino.
And so we moved to one of those lesser known exclusive cafes where the ambience is just right for a nice warm private conversation. We placed the order, waiting for the coffee to arrive. She lit a smoke .. I liked that. There she was .. suave .. smooth .. sure.
The coffee arrived but soon turned cold since we were engrossed .. talking incessantly. We talked about her, me, and the whole goddamn world we had to be a part of. Time flew by and before we knew it, the cafe manager came up to us with a closing time notice. Hence, we finally plunged into the wilderness of the world once again.
The biting cold winds, after the warmth of the café, reminded us of the chilly winter that the world was blessed with at that time of the year. We quickly got into the car and just as I was about to put the key into the ignition she turned to me and said "Why don't you let me take the wheel. I really feel like letting my hair down tonight." So there I was, sitting besides her and watching this gorgeous lady take it out on the wide winding empty roads ..
She was a masterful driver .. the sudden rush of blood to the head .. the ultimate thrill that speed induces .. all amounting to my growing affection towards the lady beside me.
But it came to pass, as we neared her place.
And there it stood, her house .. nothing fancy on the outside .. lying in the solitude that sometimes shone in her own eyes.
She parked right outside the main gate and we got out ... still recovering from the after-effects of the speed ... still laughing and giggling from a joke that lingered on in our heads.
So here was the awkward moment of parting...
We both fell silent for a moment and I realized that we hadn't even introduced ourselves as yet.. So to fill that embarrassing void I introduced myself and learned her name .. Rahel .. it was Rahel .. as charismatic as her.
Anyways .. we just stood there looking .. into each other's eyes. Deep within lay a mutual understanding and appreciation for each other. We had just known each other for just a few hours and had hit it off surprisingly, totally, mind-fucking-bogglingly well!!
Something told me that we'd been looking intently at each others for quite a while now .. I suddenly snapped out of it and, shy as I was, started with a goodbye. She put her hand on my lips and before I knew it .. I was being led toward her doorstep. She opened the door and lo .. there was the most dazzling house I'd ever set foot in, all white, silver and glass .. so pure and chaste .. just like her.
I loved it, her even more so... she lead me up the stairs to one of the bedrooms and put on the lights .. dimmed and some music .. Iris ..
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Coz I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
And all I could taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
Cause sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
The lissome beauty stood there, her long black hair now open and her curves perfect. I found myself moving towards her in spite of my shyness .. gradually pulling her towards me. She didn't make any attempts to break free. We stood there .. caressing .. the fires within risen .. forgetting what was around us .. losing ourselves to each other .. slowly, passionately, completely.
What came to pass during that night and between those white sheets of silk is all a haze now ... wild yet gentle. What I clearly remember is of waking up with a start .. finding myself in some one else's bed .. my chronograph showing 7am .. Especially THAT morning made me feel weird .. leaving me with a vague feeling of uneasiness.
Then all the things came rushing back to me .. the beautiful girl .. the quiet evening .. the lonely lanes of the late night city and the climax .. all this overpowered with the horrid feeling of the sin I had committed ON MY ANNIVERSARY!!! I didn't know how I would face Ruma's eyes when she would learn of the betrayal. I decided I would be honest with her. After all, I was her criminal and she had every right to take any stand.
Buried in shame I started on my way out of the burning inferno that housed me.
The place was not quite the same .. the pureness missing, everything somewhat dulled .. infact quite downtrodden .. as if in a state of disuse .. the silk sheets were gone and so was she!!
Things white and silver were now yellow and rusty .. I couldn’t figure what in the hell's name happened to the place .. all in a night!
Rahel was no where to be seen .. and I was now starting to worry despite the humiliation drowning me. I started to look for the smoothness of her curves, that beautiful smile (flashing in front of me now and then), those capturing eyes I had bared my soul to.
I decided to look outside, making my way amongst the clutter and the cobwebs towards the door. I opened it in the hope of finding her standing outside and right in the middle of the ground lay a stone that read:
Rahel D'Souza
14 June 1984 - 23 Dec 2004
R.I.P
“You shall not taste of death
For there is no death for you.”
14 June 1984 - 23 Dec 2004
R.I.P
“You shall not taste of death
For there is no death for you.”
I passed out.
22 comments:
bahut lamba post hai!! :(
will definitely read sometime else and leave a comment.
btw, u going for MI?
it's perfect but in the ending we can have:
I decided to look outside, making my way amongst the clutter and the cobwebs towards the door. I opened it in the hope of finding her standing outside and right where we stood looking into each others' eyes the previous night lay a stone that read:
nice post .. really interesting .. but the end leaves everyone disappointed i guess .. and what about the fiancee .. nowhere is there even a mention about any sort of guilt on the guy's part ...
is he so loose that he can forget his fiancee just like that ..
@abhijit : take ur time .. nd nopes .. nt goin 4 MI .. y do u ask tho?? * surprised *
@che` : man ur inputs r gud .. u r 1 person who thinks like me wen it comes 2 writing!!
will get back 2 u wid ur blog probs .. soon!
@anvesh : why's d end disappointing?
k .. n people are askin 4 his fiancee .. as d title suggests there was a need to clash both their anniversaries .. his courtship anni nd rahel's death anni .. tho i must confess d title ws conceived AFTER d entire story ws written.
plus d end shud leave d reader wondering wot must have happened .. feel free 2 use ur imagination here ..
plus maybe he isnt a loose character afterall .. jus that one night .. wasnt planned or anything .. esp.after 3 yrs of courtship wid his fiancee .. it cn happen .. its a real thing .. provides some interest in reading .. atleast dats wot i think! :D
You wrote this just for fun or are you seriously interested in writing stories?
@bhisham : interested in writing stories .. but also for fun .. actually more for satisfaction .. but ur comment makes me pensive .. kindly explain what u mean.
Well...its a good read, but I have to saw the end really makes no sense to me. Apparently you were trying to add a shock value to the end, but it doesn't quite make much sense. The idea's good, but the execution falls apart. Try reading Ruskin Bonds "Season of ghosts", or even other of his short stories...he was brilliant in this style of writing!
You know...in your writing what really stands out is your enthusiasm. I wish i had half of your exuberance and I got to admit..your impetuosness is addictive. But ma'am..."So I am at this giant of a mall .. trying to pick something for someone who has a keen eye for things! Makes one tense and panicky, doesn't it?"..that is more of a speech pattern and not truly the way stories are told in written format.
Also if you can observe...you start the story with the protagnist talking about his experience last week...and he seems to loose the tense in the middle. It would have made sense if this was a dialogue between two people..but a person narrating his own story...its conventional to stick to the tense you start out with.
I hope you do realize this is only my view-point...just some criticism from my side. i can see you have a huge fan following, so i run a huge risk of being wrong too!
@bhisham : touche!
>>i'll agree on d change in d tense .. and i knew sum1 WUD point it out .. but somehow i wanted that part 2 be in d present .. like he's talking to u(in d sense hw we friends wud normally talk .. if u get me .. m no gud at explanations)
>>and m not trying to write stories per say .. i mean NOT in d conventional format .. just my style of writing .. something wot i cn identify with .. d everyday language, u no.
>>and its k .. its ur POV .. either u like it or u dont .. there's no 3rd way.
>>i just wanted 2 write sumthin 4 a long time(in yrs not days/months!) .. and plot credit goes to my friend .. the whole writing nd description ws mine wid added inputs frm che`.
>>btw .. dont really have a fan following .. i am jus trying 2 experiment wid new stuff! :D
@ruchi.. read it finally.. interesting hai! :-)
abt MI, generally poochha, main khud bhi nahi ja raha neway..
@surprised ruchi : why so surprised? /:)
p.s. tried to scrap you, but cudnt, blocked me kya? :P
hey, i agree with anvesh. there should have been some mention of the fiancee....atleast in the end if nowhere in between.
i found the end was a bit of an anti-climax.
nice attempt though!
and i hope to read more stories by u soon.
Heyy..never realised we had a buddin auhtor there... tot art was ur forte...hmmm...literature a form of art too... well but for the small tinee weenie mistakes in d grammar....not proof read i take it....Also d change in tense mentioned....Overall twas really good.... okie here's a wisecrack.... imagine a zombie convincing u to buy a swarovski adorned dress !!!! now dats a well to do zombie !!! :
D
@gauri: i didnt really think dat deep .. plus didnt want d focus on d fiancee .. bt i like d way u guys think.
yeah i'll try writing more .. lets c
@ram: no mate .. art is NOT my forte .. u r simply kind 2 say dat .. n i just like experimenting wid stuff .. nd hahha abt d zombie .. yeah she's a zombie wid taste!! :D
ok everybody .. i've included more about his fiancee Ruma and how he feels abt d whole incident .. and also d tense and the grammatical mistakes stand corrected.
I hope its in a better form now! :D
HAPPY READING! :)
awwwww...its beautiful woman... i love the way the story flows..i never read it initially bcoz i thot its way too long..man if i wudnt have read it i wud have missed out on sumthing!!
\m/\m/
AWESOME!! :D
( i cant blv i am actually praising YOU!!) :P :P
@Gayatri : thnQ mam .. quite expected a nicer comment in writing .. i know u are capable of only verbal assaults!! ;) :P
hehhe
keep reading! :)
ok i re-read the entire story again..n also the comments dis time...n i certainly dont second the thots of many here..wen de say u shud hav described the girlfriend...the mystery so as to how she was makes it spicy....
the only thing is it prolly CUD have been in first person...it stabs one hard wen one reads it in first person...
@GG: hahha .. ya dat ws d idea .. but not many seemed 2 agree so i put in more stuff abt her!!
aha interesting to read
hey!
just dropped in and found a very interesting blog..
will be returning, often
@pinku+ankur: thanks! :)
@pinku: u are more than welcome here :)
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